You're Still Beautiful to Me
by Spooky Bibi
Summary: Tony and Michelle's story had its milestones, crucial moments that will never be forgotten by either one. They weren't shown, but here are what they could have been like.
1. I'll always be right there

**A/N: **This is the first time I actually make something I wrote public. I would be very grateful for any constructives comments and for all the improvements you would think this story needs. Please, no harsh reviews, I'm really sensitive and insecure about my writing… I should mention that English isn't my first language so if you see any terrible spelling or grammar mistakes, please notify me. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 24 by any means. I especially don't own Tony (Michelle actually does!) because if I would he would _so_ never leave my room! I also don't own the lyrics, they're from the song _I'll always be right there_ from Bryan Adams.

**Dedicated to: **The ones who make 24 fanfics so great: Jade II, Slug's bay, Joe's girl, twentyfourrocks, kiefer4ever and Anna Jamisen

**Chapter one: I'll always be right there**

_I swear to you - I will always be there for you - there's nothin' I won't do  
I promise you - all my life I will live for you - we will make it through  
Forever - we will be  
Together - you and me  
Oh n' when I hold ya - nothin' can compare  
With all of my heart - ya know I'll always be right there_

This single word kept on resonating in his ears. _Yes_. She had said yes. And in a few moments she would say _I do_ and his whole life would finally mean everything. He couldn't really believed this day had come. After his story with Nina, he always felt unnecessary. She used him and her betrayal destroyed any confidence he might have had in himself. But then her trust and love made him believe again. And now every day he was acutely aware of his luck. Since the very moment she kissed him, two years ago in that dark corner of C.T.U., he just knew it. He knew she was the one would could make him feel alright again. He had always liked her, he was strongly attracted to her, but this kiss revealed to him how much he was in love with her. She was desperate and destabilized when she clung herself to him for comfort and after that all he was hoping for was that this moment they shared meant as much for her that it did for him. He wanted her to care for him but most of all he wanted to protect her. Michelle went trough so many things on that dreadful day. He didn't wanted her to have no one to turn to for anything anymore. He wanted to be her rock.

_I believe in us - nothin' else could ever mean so much  
You're the one I trust our time has come - we're not two people  
Now we are one - ya you're second to none   
Forever - we will be  
Together - a family  
The more I get to know ya - nothin' can compare  
With all of my heart - ya know I'll always be right there_

He remembered the day he proposed. They were simply lying in bed, cuddled against each other. They have had an exhausting day at work and didn't have the energy to do anything constructive. They just made out and talked during the entire evening. They had just made love and Michelle was resting in his arms, slowly caressing his chest with her fingers.

- Do you know how much I love you? he said.

- Of course honey.

- And you do love me?

- You know I do. Why do you have to ask?

- Enough to marry me?

- … Oh my God.

- Is that a good "Oh my God" or a bad one?

- …The best one! Really, you can't possibly know how happy you just made me!

- I could say the exact same thing…

Then he just picked the ring he had laid on the nightstand (just like he thought, she didn't even noticed it). It was a really simple one, a small round diamond on a silver setting, with two tiny ruby on each side of it. He knew she wasn't fond of ostentatious jewelry and hoped she would like this one. She let out a slight gasp when he put it on her finger. She admired it for one second before wrapping her arms around Tony and giving him the most memorable kiss of his life. He kissed her back, blissful. His life, no _their_ life had just started.

_Forever - we will be  
Together - just you and me   
The more I get to know ya - the more I really care  
With all of my heart - ya know I'll always be...  
Ya know I really love ya - ya nothin' can compare  
For all of my life - ya know I'll always be...right there_

Their engagement time had been close to perfection. Michelle was contemplating her ring all the time, giving him a malicious smile when he caught her doing it. He just loved it when she was doing it. There had been little difficulties at work with the announcement of their marriage, with everyone already knowing how serious their relationship was. Chappelle didn't protest, to Tony's surprise, and Jack actually gave him a big smile when he told him, a thing that was more and more rare recently. His secret mission and his breakup with Kate were giving him a hard time and he was quite down these days. But Jack was genuinely happy for his friend. There was this only cloud in Michelle and Tony's otherwise blue sky. Not being able to tell her about the Salazars. Just keeping something from her was killing him. But he knew that she would eventually understand it when he would be at liberty to open up to her. Apart from that, all was so amazing.

And now, standing at the altar, the only thought on his mind was Michelle. Everything else was disapearing. He was so glad this was happening. From now on, she would always have him to depend on. He would never let her be hurt or lonely. Whatever she needed, he would give her. He would simply be right there.


	2. Here with me

**A/N: **OMG I love you guys! Such nice reviews, it's awesome! For those who were expecting more fluff (twentyfourrocks in particular!) I'm sorry but it will probably be more drama and angst than romance for the the next 4 chapters. I have 6 chapters planned and except for the last one they will be pretty serious. It all depends on wether or not I will find other songs that fit. I promise I'll do my best to put some sweetness in the chapters anyways. Now this chapter is set right after season 3 finale and it's from Michelle's POV.

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own 24, nor the lyrics of _Here with me_, by Dido.

**Dedicated to: **My adorable reviewers: Slug's bay, AliciaFB, Amy, Admiral R.T. and twentyfourrocks!

**Chapter 2: Here with me**

_I didn't hear you leave  
I wonder how am I still here  
And I don't want to move a thing  
It might change my memory_

As soon as she could, she had left CTU, pushing away any person who came in her way. Jack had tried to reason with her, saying that she shouldn't be alone in these circumstances. But what he didn't understood was that she was already alone. Tony was the only one who could make her feel safe and OK and he was gone. So no matter how nice Jack was, he could never help her the way she needed to be. She just ran home. She was almost fainting from all the tears and the exhaustion. Mechanically, she walked toward the bedroom. Standing in front of the door, she suddenly found herself unable to open it. She wasn't able to face it, remembering how messed up it still was from the things they did that morning. She turned around and decided to rest on the couch instead. There didn't seem to be an end to her pain. She was curled up , desperately crying and sobbing. This living room was the only place she wanted to be. But, somehow, it was almost as bad as being in their room. Tony was all around her anyway. His scent, his belongings, the pictures of them together, all of this was reminding her of the wonderful moments they had and might never have again. However, even if it did hurt her, she didn't have the heart to either stay elsewhere or take all these things out of her view. It may be too much to bear but it was inconceivable for her to let go of him, as small a part of him these might be.

_  
Oh I am what I am  
I'll do what I want  
But I can't hide_

She kept thinking about that day. Seeing Tony be led out of CTU by those men, cuffed and with that sorry look on his face. She couldn't get that image out of her head. He did it for her. He sacrificed everything he had for her. How was she supposed to live knowing this? She simply wished it hadn't come to that. If only she wouldn't have let herself be caught by Saunders. He would still be near her, holding her and wiping the suffering away, like he always knew how to do. Instead he was imprisoned, alone, separated from all and everyone he cared for. She couldn't stop that guilt and loneliness that were continuously flowing in her mind. She wanted to be with him, to be there for him. He was all she had and now she was all alone, just like before he crossed her path.

_I won't go  
I won't sleep  
I can't breathe  
Until you're resting here with me  
I won't leave  
I can't hide  
I cannot be  
Until you're resting here with me_

_"I can live with that. Even in prison."_ When she heard him say that, she knew he meant it. The thing is, she didn't want him to do it. She didn't want him to cope, to endure this because of her. She knew how tough he was and how he would do anything for her. The way he stood up for her when they helped Jack against all orders, ready to take all the blame on himself, was a sign of his commitment to her, even if there was barely any relationship between them to commit to. That was a sign of his dedication to her. But then again, she wouldn't let him suffer the consequences of what she was responsible for. She would make up for what she made him do. Somewhere in her distraught mind, a clear idea emerged. She would get him out of this mess, at any cost. She already knew that Jack would do everything in that matter, using of his special relation with the President. But she wanted to do more. At that time, she had no precise idea on how she would act, but she was sure of one thing, and that was that she would not stand there with arms crossed, watching her bosses taking away her only reason to live away from her.

_I don't want to call my friends  
They might wake me from this dream  
And I can't leave this bed  
Risk forgetting all that's been_

_"Honey, wake up. Come on baby, don't make me tickle you!"_ She could almost see him, teasing her about her legendary laziness. That, plus the fact that she was very responding to tickling, had become a running gag between the two of them. And now the image of him, leaned over her, with his adorable smile, was clear behind her closed eyelids. "OK sweetheart, I'll get up. But only if you're willing to shower with me" mumbled Michelle, half-asleep and all tangled up in the old quilt she wrapped herself in earlier. Deep in her brain, she was aware that this was all fake, just memories she wouldn't let go. It was just sweeter to hold on to them, escaping the harsh reality, even it wouldn't last very long. Considering her situation, she was willing to cling herself to every comforting dream or thought she might have. That was all she had from now on.

_Oh I am what I am  
I'll do what I want  
But I can't hide_

She was thoroughly ashamed of herself. She managed to fall into her old pattern. It had been several days now and she still hadn't done anything. When she was at work, before she even met Tony, she was able to put on the act of the strong girl, the organized and reliable Michelle. The one you could trust with anything, who could take on anything. He was the one who saw trough this façade. He witnessed the way she would be in fact deeply touched by all the horrible events that would happen around her. Once he did, it changed her. She had let herself open, which was good for them, but at the same time it had weakened her. Now that he wasn't there to support her, she couldn't do it. When he was besides her, nothing was enough to break her. But without him, she couldn't keep that masquerade going. Now she didn't even have the strenght to pull herself up and do what she should. She wasn't able to repay her debt. She had let him down. And she would never forgive herself.

_  
I won't go  
I won't sleep  
I can't breathe  
Until you're resting here with me  
I won't leave  
I can't hide  
I cannot be  
Until you're resting here with me_

But when would that happen?


	3. Right here waiting

**A/N: **I'm so sorry that it took me so long to update. Finishing college, starting a new job, let's say that life's been pretty hectic these past few weeks. Anyway here's a new chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything related to 24, not more than I own the lyrics of _Right here waiting_ from Richard Marx.

**Dedicated to: **HelloKitty87, Jessloz58 (we have to go out soon!), kiefer4ever (I now have 7 chapters planned + 3 one-shot fics, I hope you're happy!) , Admiral R.T., Slug's bay, AliciaFB, Fox light and Amy. You guys keep me going!

**This takes place about a month after season 3.**

**Chapter 3: Right here waiting**

Days were passing in a blur. The tangibility of his imprisonment hadn't sunk in yet. Escaping the reality was the way he had chosen to cope. Right from the start, he retreated in himself, talking to no one, barely answering to the guards. He had managed to put back in their place those who had looked for trouble with him and avoided those who tried to befriended him. He didn't want to have anything to do with them. His mind was completely shut from the outside world. He just didn't want to blend in a world he had always thought so little of. He was getting used to it his own way…

_Oceans apart day after day  
And I slowly go insane  
I hear your voice on the line  
But it doesn't stop the pain  
If I see you next to never  
How can we say forever_

It was so unfair. He had to lay there, reminiscing all that had happened that day. The virus threath, the hotel, Saunders. Stephen Saunders, the man who destroyed everything. It was because of him if he was stuck in that dim cell, apart from the only person he loved. _No,_ he thought,_ don't put the blame on him. You're the one responsible. You decided to betray everyone for her and gave in to his demands._ Not that he would change anything if he had the chance. Michelle meant more than life herself to him. He wouldn't have been able to live if he had let Saunders's men touch her. The promise he made to his wife was more important than his job or anything else. So he did it. He let him escape for her sake. Now all he had to do was to get used to this new life of his. He didn't know if he ever could but that wasn't the worst part. It was Michelle's visit. She went to see him, right after his indictment and this day had been haunting him ever since. It was hard to say which look was the worst: the one she had on her face when she saw him in the parlor, so terrified and pained, or the betrayed one she gave him when he told her what he had to.

_Wherever you go  
Whatever you do  
I will be right here waiting for you  
Whatever it takes  
Or how my heart breaks  
I will be right here waiting for you_

"Don't come back Michelle. Ever. When I told you I could make it here, I forgot to mention that it was only possible if I don't have to see you through a thick window, hurting. It's what's best, for you and for me. I didn't save you so you could lead an empty life, longing for me. What I feel is irrelevant. Unlike me, you can move on and you must do so. I love you, but I can't let you hold on to me. Forget me, forget us." Tony had quickly get up and left the parlor, incapable of both seeing the tears rolling down his wife's face and letting her see the ones he was trying so hard to prevent from falling.He knew for sure that such a long sentence without seeing her would inevitably drive him insane but he couldn't make her go through this kind of suffering. What good would he had done if he let her throw away all her chances at happiness for him?

_I took for granted, all the times  
That I thought would last somehow  
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears  
But I can't get near you now  
Oh, can't you see it baby  
You've got me goin' crazy_

_"I won't be able to make it. You'll always be on my mind, reminding me how I failed you, how I should have never met you, for both our sake." _he thought. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he had destroyed it. He felt a wave of guilt coming over him as he was thinking about that dreadful day. He didn't regret sacrifying his career and liberty, that wasn't the point. It was his whole behavior before she left CTU for the hotel that he was ashamed of. He can't believe he had been childish enough to be mad at her for so long, over something as little as a momentary (in a way justified) lack of faith in his capacities. After all, she was only being professional. He wished he hadn't been so hard on her. It seemed ridiculously small now, in the light of what happened after. He could never say I'm sorry enough for that. Compared to all the wonderful moments they shared, it was nothing.

_Wherever you go  
Whatever you do  
I will be right here waiting for you  
Whatever it takes  
Or how my heart breaks  
I will be right here waiting for you  
I wonder how we can survive  
This romance  
But in the end if I'm with you  
I'll take the chance_

He had decided to hold on to his memories. "It's all I have left." he thought. Plus keeping his mind busy helped it there. Remembering the glances, all those shy yet flirty looks she would give him, almost from her first day. Their first date, clumsy and awkward. How he had spilled red wine all over the rug, the day he met her parents for the first time. The first time he had the chance to introduce her as his wife. All of these precious moments kept telling him that he had to believe. Somewhere in his mind the little, foolish bit of hope was very much alive._ "We'll have moments like this again. I'll be with you again. If not in this life, then in the next."_

_Oh, can't you see it baby  
You've got me goin' crazy  
Wherever you go  
Whatever you do  
I will be right here waiting for you  
Whatever it takes  
Or how my heart breaks  
I will be right here waiting for you_

A door shut loudly in the once quiet hallway, making Tony came back to reality, something he couldn't always avoid to do, however hard he tried. Looking at the dark ceiling, he felt the now familiar knot of anger building up in his stomach. _"I shouldn't be here. They should have understand. No, they had to make an example out of me. Nobody even tried to help me. And they sure aren't trying to get me out now. Well, that should teach you to ever count on anyone. Now it's over, you're on your own. You can keep your memories, that's all you are now for the world. Bittersweet memories."_


	4. You're still beautiful to me

**A/N:** I'm so sorry for taking so much time to update this fic. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I put on a new chapter! I had almost completely lost the mood of this story altogether. But now I think I'm good. I'll do my best to update more regularly.

**Dedicated to:** Slug's bay, kiefer4ever and my two best friends, Jessica G. and Jessica L. Big thanks to you both for the recommendations, suggestions and for putting up with me and my incessant insecurity about my writing!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 24 nor the lyrics of _You're still beautiful to me_, by Bryan Adams.

**This chapter is set the day Tony was released from prison.**

**Chapter 4: You're still beautiful to me**

He simply couldn't grow tired of this smooth feeling on his face. In the yard it was only lighting, not warmth. Now he was fully seizing the opportunity to feel the sunrays heating his head. There were also all those other sensations that he had not idea he could one day miss so much. It has been such a long time since he's been able to see the horizon for example. For 6 months the end of the world had never been farther than 400 feet. Looking through the windshield at the long desert road ahead, he began to understand the full meaning of freedom. Tony Almeida grinned, the mix of those simple beautiful things filling him with incredible joy.

Jack took out his eyes from the highway and glanced at Tony. A little smile slowly appeared as he witnessed his friend's revival. This single moment made all these months of lobbying and effort worthwhile. Once the aftermath of the biothreat had passed, Jack dedicated himself to get Tony out of Federal. There were numerous obstacles to overcome. The president was not really one of them, he had rapidly recognized that Tony could not be hold responsible for what he had done, considering the circumstances. The real problem was the general opinion. For the public, Tony Almeida was a traitor, someone who should have honored their trust and didn't. It had taken a while for the real story behind Saunders' escape to come out. He and Michelle had worked side by side on this, never giving up. Their perseverance had paid off, but regret was still lingering. They wished it hadn't taken them so long to accomplish that. They had managed to get the pardon in time (it had been one of the last actions of Palmer) but they were still sorry that Tony had to go through this imprisonment.

If Jack had looked just a second more, he would have seen the face of his companion change radically. There was a shadow of pain on his previously luminous face. He was basically having a new emotion every minute. After the amazement of liberation came the exhilaration and now was the time for the brutally clear reality to hit him. "_What am I supposed to do now? This road isn't going to continue forever. Eventually I'll have to come out of this car and enter the house. Being here is pretty easy, but after that? I haven't seen her in 6 months. God knows what happened to her during that time, how she felt. I missed all this time and I can't get it back. I have no clue how it'll be. There is no way it'll be as before, no matter how hard I pray for it."_ The pressure was enormous at that point. Michelle was all he had thought about during his jail time. However he had refused to see her and to read her letters, convinced that she would not get him a pardon in time. He had just wanted to spare her more hurt. Now that she had got him out, he feared he had made the wrong choice. What if in a way she _had_ moved on, like he had asked her to do? Somehow her feelings for him would not be the same, that was certain. Even if he did know that she was presently at home, waiting for him to arrive, it was not the thing that was scaring him. He was desperately hoping that she would be welcoming him with that look of love he was used to but he had the growing feeling that there would more be reproach in her eyes. Reproach for having not trusted her enough to know that she would do everything necessary to bring him out.

He began to recognize the neighbourhood and he felt his hands grow moist. _One more turn and that's it, it'll be the street._ The car pulled in the driveway and stopped. He found himself unable to move, his stomach in knots. He witnessed motionlessly Jack picking up his stuff from the back seat and taking it into the house. It was the sight of brown curls that made him react first. His eyes locked on the front door, he slowly got out of the car and started to walk uncertainly toward his home. _Home, at last… with her…_ He didn't even notice Jack going back to his car. The door was ajar so he pushed it slowly. Michelle was standing in the hall, hands folded. Not a word was spoken as he was gazing at her, carefully taking in all the small details. The dress she was wearing, that flowing light blue gown he had bought her for her birthday and that she so seldom wore because she found it so fragile, the way the sun was making her hair shine, the contradictory look on her face as she was trying to smile and fight back pearly tears at the same time…

He held out a hand, cupping the side of her face with it as he brought her into a tight embrace. He buried his face in the soft curls, the sweet scent of which finally making him realize that he was back. He pulled away, just enough to be able to capture her lips with his. The kiss then shared seemed to make all the hurt, the wait and the loneliness fade away, now only memories of a forgettable past. He picked her up in his arms, carrying her towards their bedroom. He felt her tears wet the neck of his shirt as she was now unable to contain this wave of emotion. He delicately put her on the bed, neatly done as if it hadn't been slept in for months. As he was looking at her, sobbing uncontrollably in her hands, he tried to say something to ease her pain but his tightened throat wouldn't allow it. Instead he just took off his shoes and lay besides her, hugging her as hard as he could. He kept her in his arms for as long as the crying lasted, then he tilted her head up. He looked deep in her eyes and saw that the feared look was nowhere in them. She tried to talk but was stopped by his kiss that carried all the love that he wasn't able to express otherwise at the moment. He moved his lips to her cheeks, still burning from those tears he felt guilty for, to her collarbone that still had the softest skin… He went up again to her mouth, already missing the taste of it._ How did I survive without this?_

_  
Turn out the lights and close the door  
Put your head on the pillow let me keep ya warm  
I wanna run my hands across your face  
Ya lyin' beside ya' still the perfect place_

We're still goin' strong  
So glad that you came along  
Ya babe in every way  
You're still beautiful to me  
I just - have ta say -  
You're still beautiful to me  
(it's bin a long time baby)

Lay back baby - close your eyes  
Let me do everything your heart desires  
When I think of the years makin' love to you  
There still ain't nothin' I'd rather do

There's somethin' I can't deny  
You sure know how ta move this guy  
Ya babe in every way -  
You're still beautiful to me  
I just - have ta say -  
You're still beautiful to me - can't ya see

Still feels good - still runs deep   
When you get close babe - I still get weak  
Cuz in these arms - is where you belong  
We're still goin' strong - so glad that you came along  
Hey babe you're still number one  
Oh can't ya see - you're still beautiful to me  
You'll always be so beautiful to me  
Ya babe in every way - you're still beautiful to me

Hours had been spent in endless caresses and touching. He had discovered her all over again, finding himself incredibly moved by some tiny details, a recent bruise he didn't know the origin of or a beauty spot that he had forgotten about on her hip. Now Tony was resting, his wife nestled in his arms, just like it used to be; yet a longing was remaining. For the first time in months, he voiced her name, desperately eager all of the sudden to hear her speak. When she didn't reply, he realized that she had fallen asleep. _It doesn't matter; from now on I'll be there. I can start to make up for all those lost words._


	5. Again

**A/N**: OMG I did't realize it has been so long since my last update (though my summer and fall have been quite busy!). Here's chapter 5, there should be only 2 more after this for this story to be complete. Enjoy and please review, it takes a few seconds but it lasts a lot longer for me!

**Dedicated to**: Slug's bay (as usual!), AliciaFB (glad to know you still read it!), mirel (no, there won't be any spoilers for season 5 so you're cleared to read!) and chezlovesyou (Wow thanks for the fantastic review!)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 24 nor the lyrics of _Again_, by Archive.

**This chapter is set 6 months after Tony's release.**

**Chapter 5: Again**

She doesn't want to open her eyes. The sun is shining directly on them but she's scared to move out of the ray and fully wake up. It would so much easier if she could just go back to her dream. Since she can't, the next best thing is to stay like this, in that no-man's land between sleep and awareness. She can't face that sight again. As long as she doesn't open her eyes, the bed doesn't have one side still made and the pillow next to hers do have an imprint of his head.

Regretfully, she stretches, rolls on the other side of their bed and goes back to reality, a reality as cold as the sheets in which he didn't sleep, once again.

_You're tearing me apart  
Crushing me inside  
You used to lift me up  
Now you get me down  
If I  
Was to walk away  
From you my love  
Could I laugh again ?  
If I  
Walk away from you  
And leave my love  
Could I laugh again ?  
Again, again..._

Later, standing up in front of the counter, she stared at the plate of over-cooked eggs. She sighed and dumped them in the trash, not nearly hungry enough to eat any of it. Normally this would have been an occasion for some teasing, the usual jokes about how terrible a cook she was. But that morning, like too many mornings lately, he wasn't around to make those remarks. This unusual silence seemed to surround her completely, clasping her in its freeezing arms. Her eyes flickered towards the living room, which had mostly become his bedroom for the past few weeks. He couldn't seem to be able to muster the necessary amount of sobriety to climb up the stairs to their room anymore. So she had to witness the same scene almost every morning. First she would hear him groan and mutter, then the aggressive sound of beer bottles being knocked over as he messily got up. He would stumble into the kitchen, still in yesterday's wrinkled clothes, his eyes red, puffy and avoiding hers. A sorry sight, nothing like the Tony she fell in love with.

_You're killing me again  
Am I still in your head ?  
You used to light me up  
Now you shut me down  
If I  
Was to walk away  
From you my love  
Could I laugh again ?  
If I  
Walk away from you  
And leave my love  
Could I laugh again ?_

He did it again that morning. She let her eyes follow him as he went to the coffeemaker and started to pour himself a cup. She was about to say something, anything to fill that void between them but seeing him going back to the couch and turning on the TV, without so much as a glance to her was more than enough to shut her up. Tears began to form, caused by both what was and what used to be but so obviously wouldn't anymore. She closed her eyes for a couple seconds, breathed in deeply and went into the hallway. She looked at herself in the mirror there, slightly amazed by how little her exterior showed the distress she felt within. She grabbed her purse, keys and coat and quickly exited the house. Before closing the door, she risked a last look at him, hoping for a sign to tell her that an attempt to talk to him would not be in vain, for once. Since she saw nothing of that sort, she shut the door much more carefully that the rising anger and sadness was pushing her to.

_I'm losing you again  
Like eating me inside  
I used to lift you up  
Now I get you down  
Without your love  
You're tearing me apart  
With you close by  
You're crushing me inside  
Without your love  
You're tearing me apart  
Without your love  
I'm dazed in madness  
Can't lose this sadness   
I can't lose this sadness  
Can't lose this sadness_

She had become quite good at separating him and her job in her mind. She would just immerse herself in the paperwork and the protocols, it helped her forgetting how, ironically, her life had become empty since he came back. She had withdrawn from all her colleagues too, which spared her any kind of converstion that would be too personal. Only Jack seemed to have some clue about the troubles she had. It was the very reason why she avoided him even more. She would notice a concerned stare from him now and then but her repeated statements that everything was fine kept him at bay.

A soft knock on the doorframe made her turn away from her monitor. She looked up, surprised to see her substitute standing there. _It's already 6:00…_ She dreaded the arrival of the new shift now. Going home didn't have the same meaning for her. She didn't even call it like that anymore. Was there a phrase, an expression that could sum up a lonely car ride that would only lead her to a cold, deserted and most of all silent house? She doubt it. She left her office slowly, silently wondering how many more rides like that she would be able to endure.

_You're tearing me apart  
Crushing me inside  
Without your love  
(you used to lift me up)  
You're crushing me inside  
(now you get me down)  
With you close by  
I'm dazed in madness  
Can't lose this sadness  
It's riping me apart  
It's tearing me apart  
It's tearing me apart  
I don't know why_

She couldn't bring herself to go back to their house that evening. She went to the beach and sat on the cold sand for hours, secretly hoping that a better, an easier answer to this situation would be washed over the shore. However the crushing waves brought nothing to help her. She stared at the letter she was holding, the one she had ripped from her notepad after scribbling what she would have considered unimaginable until 2 months ago. She had considered it since but only tonight did she have the courage to actually write it down. The words were dancing in front of her flooded eyes but she didn't need to see them, they were burning in her mind all too vividly.

**Tony,**

**I can't stand that anymore. I wish I could talk about it with you face-to-face but honestly I don't think you or I could. I can't go on like this. It's like there's nothing that binds us, except our marriage. I'm letting go of that last thing now. You obviously don't want anything from me. Even though I try to help you, you keep shutting me down. The only reason I can imagine for your pushing me away is that you want me to go away. I'll do just that.**

**I'm sorry but that's about all I can bear.**

**Chelle**

She folded the letter in half, stuffed it in her jacket pocket, wiped her cheeks angrily and left the shore, suddenly in an urge to get this over with. She drove rapidly, in a very inattentive stated of mind. Two distinctive lines of thoughts were battling in her brain. One would revisit all the hurtful moments she had lived recently and would inevitably end up with the assurance that she had made the right decision. The other would rebut with the all the sweet memories she had of him before and would leave her with the comforting hope that his old self would soon be back. That second, brighter ending went dead the second she arrived, when she realized that he still wasn't home, even if it was nearly 3:00 am. That was the final straw. She sensed the tears would come back soon so she almost run to the bedroom to gather her things before she could break down again. She was in the stairs with her luggage when she heard him fumble with the lock and enter.

_It's riping me apart   
It's tearing me apart  
It's tearing me apart_

The sight of him made her heart miss a few beats and she stood frozen a few seconds, enough for him to suspect what was happening.

- Going somewhere?

- …

- So?

- Well…

- Fuck Michelle answer me!

- Why should I? There's no use talking to you when you're in that state! You won't even remember it tomorrow! Anyway you know the answer!

She watched him as his face changed dramatically when that reply confirmed what he thought. It went from drunken anger to sadness, to desperation, then back to anger, all in a matter of seconds. He let out another swear before he slammed the front door behind him and she heard his car pulling out of the driveway. She managed to drag her suitcase to the door and left it there as she took out the note she had written. She hesitated for a second then searched for a pen and added those words to the letter:

**I wish I could still love you enough.**

_I don't know why   
I don't know why  
I don't know why  
I don't know why_

As she drove away in the dark night, tears pouring down profusely, she kept thinking to herself: _I never thought it would come to this…_

_Without your love  
Without your love  
Without your love  
Without your love  
It's tearing me apart_


End file.
